Understanding Anxiety: Why It’s Real Even If It Seems Illogical
This blog is written for both those who suffer from anxiety and those who love or live with someone who does. My hope is that by reading this, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of how anxiety works—and why it doesn’t always make logical sense, even though it feels absolutely real to the person experiencing it.
A Story From an Airbnb
Many years ago, I stayed in an Airbnb for the first time. I was keen to make a good impression with the host. During a casual chat, I mentioned I was studying and training in BWRT® (BrainWorking Recursive Therapy). As soon as she learned I was a therapist, I was whisked into the dining room and quickly found myself talking about anxiety.
It turned out her teenage daughter was suffering from severe anxiety, and the mum was completely baffled by it.
“She has everything she could want,” the mum said. “A beautiful home, a big bedroom, all the luxuries—yet she’s anxious all the time. I just don’t understand why.”
This woman was outgoing and confident herself, and it was clear she genuinely wanted to help her daughter—but didn’t know how.
But What Makes You Anxious?
I asked her directly, “What makes you anxious?”
She thought for a moment, then said, “Nothing, really.”
I pushed a little. “Come on, there must be something.”
Eventually, she said, “Okay… heights. When I visited tall buildings in America, I felt anxious at the top.”
Interestingly, she added that her daughter wasn’t afraid of heights and had been fine in those exact situations.
To the mum, this made sense—heights are dangerous, right? Her anxiety felt justified. But here’s the key insight:
Even her fear of heights wasn’t actually logical. Unless she was leaning out of a window or the building was unstable, she wasn’t really in danger.
And yet, the anxiety was real.
The Rule-Making Brain
As we grow up, especially in childhood, we begin forming rules to help us stay safe. At some point in her life, this mum had formed the rule: “Heights are dangerous.” And her body had learned to respond with anxiety symptoms whenever she was exposed to heights.
These rules are instinctive, not rational. As children, we don’t have the capacity to challenge them—so they stick with us into adulthood, often unexamined.
That’s what anxiety is at its core:
A conflict between what the conscious mind knows is safe, and what the subconscious has decided is dangerous.
In this case, the mum wanted to enjoy the view from the top of a building—but her subconscious shouted, “No! Danger!” and sent out anxiety symptoms to try and protect her.
Anxiety Symptoms: The Subconscious Alarm Bell
When your subconscious believes you’re in danger—even when you’re not—it triggers a set of physical symptoms designed to protect you:
- Racing heart
- Sweating
- Trembling or shaking
- Jelly legs
- Blushing
- Tight chest
- Dry mouth
These symptoms are not random. They’re signals from the brain, trying to keep you safe from something it believes is threatening—even when logic says otherwise.
We All Have Different Rule Sets
Years ago, I attended a fear of spiders event. Everyone in the room had arachnophobia. As they shared their stories, the empathy was powerful:
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Why? Because everyone had the same subconscious rule about spiders.
But imagine if I started talking about a fear of flying. Suddenly, only a handful of people would relate. The tone would shift to:
“Flying? I love flying! It’s the safest form of travel—why would anyone fear that?”
Someone who moments ago deeply understood someone else’s fear is now completely confused. Why? Because their psyche has no frame of reference for that fear.
Why It’s So Hard to Understand Other People’s Anxiety
Here lies the real issue:
It’s very hard to understand something your own psyche has never experienced.
If someone tells you they fear flying, and you love flying, it might be tempting to dismiss their fear. But just like the mum’s fear of heights—irrational or not—it’s still real.
It’s not a lack of compassion. It’s a lack of reference. Unless someone explains the mechanism behind the fear, many people struggle to empathise.
That’s why the mum I met began to understand her daughter more clearly when she reflected on her own fear of heights. She realised:
“This is what anxiety feels like—for me, it’s heights. For her, it’s something else.”
Everyone Gets Triggered—Just Differently
This isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about understanding that different people have different triggers, and therefore, different emotional responses.
Whether it’s:
- A fear of spiders
- Speaking in public
- Driving on motorways
- Being in crowds
- Making decisions
…the anxiety that follows is valid—even if it seems illogical to you.
For example:
We live in a country where spiders don’t kill us—yet 1 in 5 people are afraid of them. Logically irrational, but still emotionally real.
How to Help Someone With Anxiety
Whenever I’m helping someone understand anxiety—especially someone who doesn’t experience it much themselves—I ask them this:
“Tell me something that makes you feel anxious or scared.”
They usually mention something. Then I walk them through how that fear might seem illogical to someone else—but for them, it’s real. That usually unlocks something.
It allows people to realise:
We all live by our own subconscious rule sets—even if those rules are wrong.
And that’s the key.
Final Thought
Anxiety isn’t about weakness.
It’s not about logic.
It’s not about “having it all” and still being ungrateful.
It’s about an outdated or incorrect subconscious rule, firing off warning signals when no real danger exists. Understanding this can help us all become more compassionate—not just toward others, but toward ourselves.
Tim Grover - Bedfordshire Therapies 