Self-Confidence vs Self-Esteem: Understanding the Difference—and How to Heal Both
Although self-confidence and self-esteem are two distinct emotional conditions, they often appear together. That’s because the root causes behind both are surprisingly similar, and the therapeutic approach I use to resolve them is the same.
In this blog, we’ll look at:
- What each condition really is
- How to tell the difference
- Where they come from
- Why they can go unnoticed for years
- And, most importantly—how to treat them
It’s worth noting that it’s possible to suffer from one without the other—or to experience both at once.
What is Self-Confidence?
Self-confidence relates to how you feel about your ability to do things. It’s not about being perfect or succeeding at everything—it’s about trusting yourself enough to try.
Self-confidence shows up as:
- Believing in your ability to take on challenges
- Accepting mistakes as part of growth
- Feeling worthy of respect and friendship
- Being assertive and holding healthy boundaries
It’s the attitude of:
“Even if I fail, I’m still valuable—and I’ll keep trying.”
You might not be good at juggling, but you’ll try anyway, knowing that dropping the balls isn’t a sign of failure—it’s part of learning.
What is Low Self-Confidence?
When self-confidence is lacking, you may experience:
- Self-doubt and hesitation
- Feeling inferior to others
- Anxiety around performance or trying new things
- Emotional withdrawal or apathy
- Avoidance of risk—even when it’s safe
Low confidence often creates an internal conflict between desire and fear.
You want to participate, but something inside holds you back.
Importantly, self-confidence isn’t about being great at something.
It’s about believing you’ll be okay even if you’re not.
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is different. It’s about how you value yourself as a person—not based on what you can do, but on who you are.
Someone with high self-esteem will:
- Treat themselves with kindness and respect
- Believe they are good enough—even when others are critical
- Feel secure in their identity, regardless of achievement
Low self-esteem, on the other hand, is often tied to:
- Negative self-perception
- Shame or guilt about who you are
- Belief that you’re unworthy of happiness, love, or success
- Tendency to self-sabotage, even when you’re good at something
In short:
Self-confidence is about “doing.”
Self-esteem is about “being.”
Can You Have One Without the Other?
Yes—and it happens more than you might think.
For example:
- You may feel confident at work, but still believe you’re not a good person.
- Or you may think highly of yourself as a person, but feel incapable of facing new challenges.
However, the two often go hand-in-hand—because both are shaped by how we were spoken to, treated, and conditioned in childhood.
Where Do These Issues Come From?
Cumulative Trauma
The most common cause I see in therapy is something called cumulative trauma. These are repeated emotional wounds, often subtle and unintentional, that accumulate over time.
Unlike a single, dramatic traumatic event, cumulative trauma:
- Often goes unnoticed
- Becomes part of the person’s normal
- Embeds itself into the belief system
We can divide cumulative trauma into two main areas:
✂️ How Confidence Gets Cut Down
Imagine a child growing up around a father who constantly puts down their efforts:
- “That’s rubbish.”
- “Why bother?”
- “You’ll never amount to anything.”
The first few times, it may sting—but eventually, the child stops trying.
Not because they’re lazy—but because their subconscious has learned a new rule: “Trying isn’t worth it. I’m not good enough.”
That child may grow into an adult with a constant fear of failure, even in areas where they are capable.
🪞 How Self-Esteem Gets Worn Away
Now imagine a daughter with a mother who subtly (or overtly) criticises her looks:
- “That outfit doesn’t suit you.”
- “You’re getting a bit chubby.”
- “You’re not as pretty as your sister.”
Even if the daughter is objectively attractive, her internal worth becomes tied to these negative messages.
She may grow up feeling insecure in every mirror, unable to accept compliments, and always looking for external validation.
Again—this doesn’t require abuse or overt cruelty.
Often, it comes from well-meaning parents who had no idea of the long-term emotional impact.
What About Good Intentions?
Some clients worry: “But I didn’t have a bad childhood!”
That’s often true.
In many cases, parents were trying to protect or prepare their children for the world—they just didn’t realise the psychological cost.
Take this example:
A mother, herself anxious, constantly warns her child:
- “Don’t trust people.”
- “Be careful out there.”
- “You never know what might happen.”
Her intentions are loving. But the child absorbs a deeper message:
The world isn’t safe, and I can’t handle it.
By adulthood, this same person may avoid risks, relationships, or any unfamiliar situation—crippled by a belief system they didn’t choose.
So, What’s the Fix?
The good news is: these beliefs aren’t fixed.
They were learned—and they can be unlearned.
🔍 Hypnoanalysis: My Preferred Method
My go-to therapy for resolving self-confidence and self-esteem issues is Hypnoanalysis.
It works by:
- Regressing to the original moments that shaped your self-beliefs
- Bringing those moments into conscious awareness
- Reframing them with adult understanding and perspective
- Letting go of rules and beliefs that no longer serve you
You may realise:
- That voice in your head isn’t yours—it’s your parent’s.
- What you believed at age 6 doesn’t need to define your actions at age 36.
- You’re free to rewrite your own story.
Once that internal “Top Trumps score” starts rising again, so does your confidence—and your ability to live freely and fully.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to have had a “bad” childhood to struggle with self-confidence or self-esteem.
All it takes is repeated exposure to subtle messages that your efforts don’t matter, or you aren’t good enough.
But just as those beliefs were created, they can be undone.
You’re not broken—you’re just carrying old programming.
And you can change that.
If this resonates with you and you’d like to explore it further—either in person or via Skype—I’m here to help.
Alternatively, feel free to explore the resources on my blog for more insights.
For more information or to book a free consultation click here.
Tim Grover - Bedfordshire Therapies 